Found dead

serenaavenga @ 2008-02-19T19:09:00

2008-02-18T19:30:02Z

Divorced woman well-equiped with cynicism and lots of dinnerplates, a double bed, a shattered heart. Desperate eyes and a secure job, punch-bag kids, experienced in bed. 'I'll do anything'.
Turn on the lights. Start again.

Greatest hits girl watches the telly and creates an image that makes you think she has a personality. It's not about being yourself, it's about being misleading. She observes the suffers from the towering height of her shoes, and says 'that was really good'. She expects you to die for her empty soul, and until you're a corpse she'll be really dissapointed in you. I hate her, and with the rage she gives goes my self control and integrity. Is she a Goddess? Cold, infuriating, stone-like, ignorant, impossible - She ticks all the boxes. All that's left for me to do is worship. This chain isn't heavy enough, I am tied down but I can move about enough to run in tiny little circles. It would be easier to be dead, then smell the teasing taste of freedom.

'Belong' says the advert. 'I don't' says my mind. 'Why not' says the air between me and the screen, and that's how alcoholism starts.

serenaavenga @ 2007-01-14T18:39:00

2007-01-14T18:43:14Z

today i cannot shake the memory of going to London, March 2005 to the Norweigan independance awards to see Satryicon with Rich and being in the hotel in Camden wearing a pvc skirt and looking at myself in the mirror before we went out. I miss that time so much.

serenaavenga @ 2007-01-10T20:02:00

2007-01-10T20:24:20Z

Conversations going nowhere, my soul banging on the walls inside me head, dying to get out, but you can't reach my hand because you are as burned as me. you are as scared as me. does anyone else feel how cold it is? a stranger, perhaps? and that comfort is only for the moment where you can forget yourself and if we get close we will forsake that, so love can never happen, but its not romantic like it sounds. its meaningless. how did things manage to get worse when my pessimistic soul could not even conceive of this hell? games are weary. but protection is necessary. and whatever happens, its going nowhere anyway.
my smiling mask is getting heavy. its such an effort to lift without reason. im warped.

serenaavenga @ 2006-12-03T14:23:00

2006-12-03T13:23:58Z

Look at my avatar. I don't look like that anymore. I don't feel like that anymore. I can't remember what it was like, to be just alittle less sad.

serenaavenga @ 2006-05-07T16:24:00

2006-05-07T15:32:17Z

I just looked back through my old livejournal through all the hideously horomonal years; ..I was such a cringeworthy hoot. And there's someone I thought I'de see mentioned alot more there. I looked at dates where I remember that thing and those feelings being there, and STILL are; and there wasn't a trace of written evidence for them.
The one mention this person gets, and I don't even use their real name.
The day I met you was also the most important day of my life, I've never told you that. I find it really weird...the one person still around in my life who saw me cry like that, for things that have been gone for so long. You know something no one else ever will.
And here you still are. In the immeasurable distance.
I know we will never become.
But I know you will never leave.
All my distant sentiment...you are my dream.

AN ESSAY ON SELF HARM

2006-01-31T21:59:43Z

When I started self harming I was 8 years old, it was a literal way of beating my parents to the punch if I had done something wrong. I would hit myself infront of them, while shouting incredulously about what a horrible person I was. This was fairly empowering for me, but after my bouts of self expression my parents would state my obvious need for psychiatric help; this made me feel cut off from everyone, isolated wiothin myself - a person who when expressed themself seemed so far fetched from normality that it was a problem for them. That hurt more than the wounds.
I think the innitiation to self harm infront of them came from a realisation that it was far more efficient to hate and punish myself as I seemed to always do something wrong; this would show to my parents that I was learning. I was accepting and acting upon the negativity in me that had always felt maddeningly natural; teamed with my parents conclusion that I had mental health problems, a door to normal,calm exsistance seemed to bve shut on me. I was locked outside the world, and thus trapped within myself. Therefore there was no one or nothing else to take the pain out on; and no reaction as satisying as bringing my emotional pain to life on my skin. My skin always responded to the blade, and the blood always ran. What a reliable sense of relief! As I grew up into my teenage years the self harm became private and more regular; I would return to an empty house on the school lunch hour and cut my thighs. At this point, due to being bullied, self harm provided a relief from my fears as it was an exert of self control that proved no one could hurt me as much as I could hurt myself. From beginning self harm I have always associated it with my own isolation; literally cutting myself off from the world; it was now becoming a safe retreat into solitude. Something that no one could take away from me. An expression of my irredemption.
Over time with this indulgence, my perspective on self harm developed to realise that it is a shallow, visual act. After all, you cannot do something for 9 years without questioning the reason; especially if it is a habbit so vastly misconcieved. For example: once I was meeting a person for the first time, they saw my cuts and scars and exclaimed: " I had no idea you were so deep"; they then began to babble about the intesity of emotion I must feel and concludiing that I was suicidal. However, I am not. Cutting myself is an ACT, not an emotion, that I am driven to when I am feeling nothing. It is a literal scratch at my surface in a feeble attempt to create instant emotion; it CANNOT HAVE ANY DEPTH TO IT.
The sight of blood is a powerful image due to its connotations of death and pain; self harming to see it is like watching an extreme morbid film; you give your inner self almost an outsiders perspective and pour your imagination into something with a physical life of its own.
You can watch the wound in its different stages of healing like a flower growing up through your skin from a garden of numbness.
Self harm is an act that comes from feeling utter disbelief for my exsistance; it is my only individual physical proof that I am alive to myself.
Nothing touches me quite like the blade.

Yours sincerely,
Serena Cavalera

serenaavenga @ 2005-12-20T23:23:00

2005-12-20T23:29:29Z

I got my new tattoo on Monday. It's the gashes with roses inside them from the Sentenced artwork on the cd of Frozen. Its at the bottom of my back, its big and it looks great. I also payed for Elliott to get some Burzum lyrics tattooed; they also look great.
We're moving house on Thursday. Well my mum is moving into a 1 bedroom place and I'm sleeping on her floor until me and Elliott can move to Whitchurch in February. But on a possitive note my job is pretty cool now I've stopped staring out the window. I've been working in a guitar shop for 3 years now; but its really getting good now me and Lamb are pretty much running the place...and no one can fix/set up a guitar better than I, haha!
..sometimes I think I'm lucky.

!

2005-12-10T22:32:59Z

I JUST GOT TICKETS FOR WWE RAW ON FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE IN LONDON!!! YAY!! Look at my face :D :D :D
...EDGE!! :D

serenaavenga @ 2005-10-03T22:44:00

2005-10-03T22:05:13Z

Where do I begin? Self indulged beyond redemption for lonliness isn't having no one, it's being no one. I helplessly feel like I'm going to need to start naming names. Although what is to be said isn't really personal, as I have lost myself.
I don't have any friends.
I am going through the hardest time in my life (and there have been previous hard times to which no one really knows...and this is worse) and also, I have an email from Rich Stote, demanding all his stuff back, with a resolved, cold tone.
I know that I have been unfair to him and really hurt him this year; but he always insisted on the value of our friendship. I know I have taken things out unnecessarily upon him, and I regret this; but I feel like no one can comprehend what I am going through. I'm lashing out for attention, because I am helpless.
My stuff is all in boxes, I don't know where I am going to go, I no longer have a family (though what constituted of my family these past years has been highly debatable anyway). Rich Stote's unforgivingness really hurts. I could do with someone, like a rabbit, ears pricking up with alarm at what's happening to me, because it all feels so servere that all other painfull circumstances of friendships I wish to be overcome. It's too late. No one was there when I was broken.
No one see's how desperate I am.
My father denies that I am his child.
My mother won't allow me to call her mum and does not act like a parent, or friend, in any way.
My sister has her own life.
I try talking to them, as I have tried for many years; but it is just a painful reminder of their unreasonable resilliance towards me. IT IS LIKE THROWING MY HEART AT A BRICK WALL. My care and love NEVER reciprocated.

I've always found it hard to make friends, I feel alarmed when talking to others. I put on an act, I tell white lies of what they want to hear; I desperately cover myself up and FEEL SO FUCKING INTIMIDATED.
I also throw myself away to people, self-depricating unto them until all hope is lost.
All self respect was never really there inside me.
I have been ruined; but there was never anything to save in me.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE DRINK ALCOHOL. Its helpless; because I can't tell people what to do. BUT SEEING IT HURTS ME.

It hurts me that Elliott is seeing his dad this weekend because his dad would be let down if Elliott didn't. NO ONE WOULD BE LET DOWN IF I DIDN'T SHOW UP ANYWHERE. My dad doesn't even know where I am anyway. I am jealous; I find it so hard to comprehend. These people, with families.
I feel so fragile and vunerable because all I have is Elliott. I have no idea what to do with myself this weekend. I HAVE NO SELF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So really I can understand why no one cares. I am no one to care about.

I feel like communication is such a fucking waste.

to ALL of you: WHY does it feel like you aren't here for me? please answer.

serenaavenga @ 2005-09-29T23:18:00

2005-09-29T22:20:40Z

I quit college, I'm leaving home, and leaving this city.
Bye!

serenaavenga @ 2005-09-26T16:21:00

2005-09-26T15:25:02Z

Yes, I judge people negatively.
It always turns out to be right.
It's funny how little it takes for some people's "devotion" and how little the meaning of the 'honour' lasts.
Alot of the time in life, I act a certain way so people will dislike me. Because it DISGUSTS ME WHEN THEY SAY THEY LOVE ME.

serenaavenga @ 2005-09-22T22:34:00

2005-09-22T21:34:59Z

I'm going to leave this all.

serenaavenga @ 2005-09-15T19:59:00

2005-09-15T19:06:40Z

ah, the ambivalence.
I feel weak. It's so hard to explain
My broken hearted sentiment.
Such still days
The pungent city passes through me
I wait here for time to kill me.
And yet the night returns always
To remind me that now there is nothing worth saving.
The pain from where I sit on my sharp edge of disbelief
for purity.
It will never matter if it exsisted.
Being empty, and yet by emptiness: being tormented.
But hell is the only thing tangable;
So I'll hate myself but I'll let it happen.
Wandering why I still have eyes, when I only see your absense.

Falling appart in a world I've never felt part of

2005-09-06T12:09:52Z

My band split up last night.
I'm devestated.
To quote Andy: "this feels like breaking up with someone..."
Probably because I put so much fucking heart, time, love, money and anything I had to give into it.
No one knew how much this meant to me.
And no one knows how fucking HARD it is for me. To spend hours every day practising, writing, programming every single beat on a drum machine; to spend all my money on equipment; and to be nearly in tears over my lyrics as they are so painful.
It was like throwing my heart at a brick wall.
I don't know anyone who writes music like I do. Everyone is all talk; and it seems to be all so easy for them to get into bands who jam there way into sounding like everyone else. I compose everything : and never just use "any old riff" or "something that goes over the top". I put so much thought and effort in, ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO TELL ME THEY WANT TO BE IN A BLACK METAL BAND TO NOT EVEN BOTHER CHECKING IT OUT.
I fucking loved my band; it was so special to me. But my intensity always makes me alone...
I'm going to carry on doing it on my own. But after 6 fucking years of no chances and exasperation, I'm beginning to feel fucking hopeless.
I HATE YOU ALL.
WE ARE DEFFINATELY NOT OF THE SAME WORLD.

Oh and I have a kidney infection. What a fan-bloody-tastic time this is.
PISS OFF.

Hole in the Sky

2005-09-01T11:46:55Z

First night, at the Garage in Bergen I saw Ragnarok and Blood Red Throne. Ragnarok has Hoest on vocals, and he was so intense. I loved it.
Next night, at the USF I saw Lamented Souls (where I stood infront of Apollyon in my DHG shirt, heheh) who were good, High on Fire who were boring, then something happened that made me very sad.
I was waiting for Gehenna to play, very excited. I love Gehenna. Then the lead guitarist had an epileptic fit 30 seconds into their set. So that was the end of that. :-(
Then Enslaved did their special set of the entire Eld album start to finish. It was alright. I don't get the whole "viking pride" thing: regurgitating history has little effect on me. They were quite good though, but they will never top the first time I saw them.
Next was Anathema, who I deliberately talked all over with a nice friend I had made.
ANYWAY.
Then it was Opeth, who were pretty good; but nothing really special. Due to the previous band, I was in abit of a bad mood...

The last night, opened with Tsjuder who were good, headbanging black metal. alittle bit odd for the first band though, kinda lost the impact they should've had.
Then it was Audiopain who were boring.
And then...TAAKE!!
TAAKE!
tTAAKE! ***"HELNORSKSVARTMETTALL!!!"***
aaah!
IT WAS AMAZING!!
Hoest wrenches with emotion as he screams, and lashes out all over the place, and has such a fire in his eyes, it's an overwelming presence. And they played every song I wanted to hear, even the one I want played at my funeral. Words really can't do the Taake performance justice.

Then it was Behemoth, run-of-the-mill black death metal. Who were actually the best band of the festival in some respects. They sounded awesome, they were really strong and professional and put on a good show. They were the only band I watched where my head shut up and just enjoyed it.
Then it was Nile and Obituary. NILE SUCKED. They had awful sound an were just so half assed. rubbish!
Obituary were good as usual, didn't enjoy it as much as at Wacken ("oooo-bit-tu-aaarrr-reee!" hehe..) and that was it.

serenaavenga @ 2005-08-29T02:07:00

2005-08-29T01:08:31Z

I just got back from Norway, I went to the Hole in the Sky metal festival in Bergen. I saw Taake. You didn't.

serenaavenga @ 2005-08-18T22:45:00

2005-08-18T21:46:02Z

Good news first:

I GOT STRAIGHT A's IN ALL OF MY EXAMS. I got 100/100 in all my subjects.
I'm well fucking proud!

Bad news:
My mum did not receive the "all clear" for cancer test. Its still early stages though, unfortunately, the doctors can clarify everything on Thurday, when I will be in Norway. I REALLY wish I could be there for my mum. This is hard.

...and on a (much needed) lighter note, look:
http://gallery.wacken.com/displayimage.php?album=lastup&cat=6&pos=32

- thats a picture of me, from the Wacken website. At the front, being moody to Dissection..haha!

serenaavenga @ 2005-08-15T12:18:00

2005-08-15T11:19:18Z

HEY EVERYONE CHECK THIS OUT:

http://amputatedsuck.tripod.com/radaxian

...Me...DEAD!

"Were wacken thrashing mad"..

2005-08-11T14:53:09Z

Wacken = one hell of an experience! We all had such a laugh, but first things first:
I'M ENGAGED!
Elliot propsed in the rain, when Dissection played "Thoughts of Crimson Death" live, with an amazing ruby ring. It was the most romantic moment of my life, and I'm so happy with him, I never even dreamed someone as amazing as him was possible to exsist; and to be able to share my life with him is the best thing thats ever happened to me.
He's moving in with me in 2 weeks aswell. I really can't wait, bring on the journey of love!
So anyway, back to Wacken. Most of the bands sucked. Nightwish were so souless and boring. I had a great spot in the frost row, by Tuomas; but the set was so predictable and bad, and they had no passion. It was like watching a pop band. There was just nothing there. Although they did play "Deep Silent Complete" which was kinda nice, and some people around me as I was singing were like "wow! you should be in a band" that was nice.
Before Nightwish was a German industrial band called Oomph! they were great! Really fun and weird. Industrial is always so good live.
Anyway, we watched Obituary in the rain the next day. All 4 of us, with our arms around each other, in the middle of the extremely muddy pit (it rained the ENTIRE time)and screaming like idiots. That was so fun.
Then I watched Edguy and Within Temptation. Who were both nothing special. I love Within on record,and it was disspointing live. Not as bad as Nightwish, but still not really worthwhile.
Then I watched Machine Head which was a laugh, and the suprize act was Stratovarious who were rubbish. I unfortunately missed Samael because I was dying of cold!
The next day we watched Dragonforce who really aren't my cup of tea, and I didn't enjoy it. Then abit of Suffocation who were also pretty dull, then Dissection, which was rather fucking special, of corse!
Then we watched Marduk who were the best band of the festival in my opinion. The sound was incredible, and they played very very well and had a nice dark atmosphere on stage. So I gotta get tickets for their London gig.
Then we watched Hammerfall, by now I was so sick of power metal and they were really soulless so we left after a few songs.
Then later we went back for Sentenced. It was one of the most moing experiences in my life! They are absolutely STUNNING live, the sound, the atmosphere, the messages to the music and that huge feeling of finality. It was beautiful enough to die. They played "The Rain Comes Falling Down" and it started raining so hard, I cried and cried so hard! And they also played the song I want played at my funeral "No One There". IT ABSOLUTELY BROKE ME.
Their set made the entire festival worthwhile, performance-wise.
The shopping was probably one of my faverote things about Wacken, the metal market is amazing! I got:
Code: 'noveaux gloaming'
mutiilation: 'vampires of black imperial blood'
absurd: 'raubritter'
nokturnal mortem: 'the taste of victory' and another album of theirs I can't spell...
To Die For: 'all eternity'
Elend: ' Winds Devouring Men'
Dodheimsgard: 'monumental posession'
Shining: '3, angst'
Leaves Eyes: 'Vinland Saga'

I also got A girly TAAKE shirt, an old school Dodheimsgard shirt (probably the coolest thing ever!) and a Marduk 'fuck me jesus' girly shirt. And a goats skull.
My main faverote thing about Wacken was the company I had though. It was so special to share it with Elliot, and Spence and Pickles were also so great, we had such a laugh on the 24 hour coach journey and hanging out, we camped in Swedish camp and met some lovely people; and just had such a laugh. I have the funniest pictures of Pickles dancing...and on the Ferry home at 6am we had all the metalheads from the different coaches, we put on Queen and everyone sang along, and headbanged haha!

I've had such a lovely time, me and Elliot dressed up as trendies and went to Weston yesturday which was really fun.
Anyway I think I've gone on long enough for now!

serenaavenga @ 2005-07-31T14:36:00

2005-07-31T14:04:08Z

On friday it rained, I went to Replay saw my mate John and could only look from the "A" cd section to "H" because I found so much bloody good stuff, and I only had £40 exchange. I never looking any further would involve making too many big decisions! (and for my £40 I finally sold all my Sepultura, Soulfly, Otep...and so much more I can't even remember!)
Anyway, I got:
Winds of the Black Mountains (oh my god, HOW long have I been looking for THAT!!), Gehenna: "malice" (YAY!), Darkthrone: "ravishing grimness", Absu: "Tara", Anaal Nathrakh: "the codex necro", Anathema: "alternative 4".
I visted my sister and her boyfriend Sam in her new place, it is so nice and old-lady-ish decorated, i love it!
Then I sat in alone on Friday night, listening to my new cds, writing a long email to Jess and then I played Worms and made a team called: "Blizzard Beasts" consisting of Satyr, Frost, Appolyon and Abbath. And made up my own rule that they are only allowed to fight on snowy settings, and the only move they can use is BAZOOKA TO THE FACE OF ALL ENEMIES!! HAHAHA!!
Work the next day was pretty cool, I did nothing cos my boss wasn't in. Just played guitar for 3 hours and a few friends popped in, which was nice, especially Matt..how very sweet of him.
Then Roxy and Sam took me out to see Charlie and the Chocolate factory, I saw Rich and Jess while we waited in line which was nice. And the film was pretty great. Not as dark as I expected, but I adored Johnny Depps character!
I then went home to an empty house again, chatted to Elliot and then watched The WWE Great American Bash. I was so impressed by Captain Charismas match against Booker T. Awesome stuff. And I'm gutted that Muhammed has left..if they'de of only made this angle of his character better he could've really got a great message across, he could've been so challenging. But instead the ignorance of american patriotism and stupidity ruled over this..what a shame!
I was dissapionted by Batista vs. JBL but oh well..I really can't wait for Summerslam with HBK and Hulk. I never liked the Hulkster. I like his theme song, I always sing: "I am a real black metaller.." over the top..cause thats how I rule..lol!
I just remember a few years ago when HHH and Hulk had a fight and HHH was sooo great, really impressive wresling..but then Hulk one with a measly leg drop just because of his "legendary" status.
How great was Shawn Micheals to kick him in the face and then give such an unpredictable and in depth (for WWE, atleast!) reason. He better win this one!
So I'm still sat in the house on my own..I was meant to go upto Amen in London today, my mum said she'd drive me and my friend Stacey as Casey put us on the guestlist. We had it all planned, but my mum went out, got drunk and stayed at some guys last night and has cancelled it.
Its always her commitments to me that are broken first... oh well. I'M OFF TO WACKEN FESTIVAL ON WEDNESDAY!!

Relapse week.

2005-07-29T22:50:30Z

I WILL BORE YOU BECAUSE THIS PAIN WILL NEVER END.

my new level of uncool

2005-07-20T18:59:42Z

Simon at work said to me: "Serena, you are a completely changed woman lately. You are SO loved up and day-dreamy"

Proof of this:

1. I brought a Fleetwood Mac album today. And I love it.

2. I just danced, in my living room, to the Pointer Sisters: 'Automatic'

hahaha. how cool am I!?

serenaavenga @ 2005-07-16T21:02:00

2005-07-16T20:09:37Z

Upon this Saturday eve, I lit a candle, stared at the moon, listened to Moonblood and thoughtfully and emotionaly went over my poetry to compremise more lyrics for my band. (And there's a hell of a fucking lot to sift through).
I saved all my money to buy a 4 track to record my band; and just put about 2 days into writing a new song for it.
I bet no one else in MY band does this. They're probably out drinking cos it's the weekend. (however, I do love them. They are my life.)

Elliot makes me laugh. "I HAVE CAKE!!!" (...'CAKE, is a made up drug..') He amazes me.
And last Sunday was a BIG relief...hehehe. NO seriously, wow, I am completely head over heals. Never have a given my heart to someone like this before. And never will I again.

"KYLE'S DAD IS A DOLPHIN!!"

serenaavenga @ 2005-07-14T13:22:00

2005-07-14T12:24:32Z

Today I've been helping my sister sort stuff out for she is moving out today. We found loads of old photo albums and funny stuff from school. I have shared a room with her since I was born and we are really close. I feel sad. I'm going to miss her unfathomably.

serenaavenga @ 2005-07-08T12:31:00

2005-07-08T11:36:31Z

I got back from Wales last night.
I have a ticket for Hole in the Sky in Bergen, Norway this August!
Going camping today.